It’s one in the morning and we just got done with watching the Eurovision. I’m still processing all of that, so this post isn’t the most structured thing in the universe, but here’s what i thought of it:

• Justice for James!! That man was just happy to be here and they gave him zero points. Criminal!!
• (Can we not just force Dua Lipa to do it next year?)
• My top six, in rough 1–6 order: Ukraine, Iceland, Bulgaria, Norway, Russia, San Marino. (“Comedy value” is a factor on the score card…)
• I really must add “the voting spokesperson sings” to the drinking game next year…
  • Also: “Previous Eurovision winner appears” and “ludicrous musical instruments”?
• On that note about the score card — the score card we use for our annual Eurovision party has five categories:
  • The song itself (out of 20)
  • Vocals (out of 10)
  • Visuals, staging, and dress (out of 10)
  • Je ne sais quoi (out of 10) — basically a measure of charisma, or how much you can tell they’re just happy to be there
  • Comedy value (out of 10)
  • My highest- and lowest-scoring this year were Ukraine (with 51 out of 60) and Germany (with negative 14 out of 60), respectively. Yes negative values are allowed if they’re bad enough
  • Apparently some family friends have included “sex factor” on their scorecards. Might consider adding that for next year…
• Notes on the individual entries:
  • Cyprus: “Mum can we have Lady Gaga?” “We have Lady Gaga at home”
  • Israel: We decided that, yes, “what are they wearing” also includes “what are they hair-ing”
  • Russia: That dress!
  • Malta: “We have Lizzo at home”
  • Portugal: Nice and understated, by Eurovision standards
  • United Kingdom: Good heavens, we sent one that wasn’t shit!
  • Greece: Wow this must have looked awkward in the arena
  • Moldova: Made us seasick. The entire watch party was also in agreement that the backup dancers looked like Agent Smith from a poorly produced porn parody of The Matrix
  • Germany: In the “notes” section i just have “why” written in giant letters
  • Finland: Kidz Bop Linkin Park
  • Lithuania: It felt like that guy was trying to flirt with the entire arena and i was very uncomfortable
  • Ukraine: She looked a bit like she would try to poison you with a potion of frog’s legs
  • France: Go back to 1930, this is Eurovision
  • San Marino: Flo Rida definitely 100% knows where he is and is not confused at all
• The interval act wasn’t horribly boring this time! That’s an achievement!
• The audience were so nice this time around. Cheering for Iceland when they couldn’t make it, then for the UK when they got nul points
• Oh and apparently Italy did a cheeky line of coke in the green room^α and then sang the version of their song with swears in in the reprise when they won? Legends

Eurovision is coming up soon! The international camp-off disguised as a very serious musical competition took a sabbatical in 2020, no thanks to the coronavirus pandemic, but now that it’s back, it’s time for the annual tradition of encouraging our nation’s alcoholism by writing up a drinking game. (If, like me, you’re not overly fond of the golden drink, feel free to substitute alcohol with something equally sickening like chocolate milk. And if you are, please drink responsibly.)

One sip ☝️

• Drink to forget the pain of a boring ballad
• One of the presenters makes a joke that falls flat
• Someone mentions the coronavirus
• CrAzY DaNcInG!
• Phoning in the set design by just using shapes
• Innuendo
• Singing in their country’s native language
• “Ethnic” instruments
• Pyrotechnics
• Smoke machine, wind machine, or dry ice
• Rainbow flag
• Key change
• Oh my god, what are they wearing?
• Yes, yes, that’s nice, just give us the scores already
• “Hello? Is this thing on? Can you hear us?”
• A country gives douze points to one of its neighbours
• If you guess the country’s douze points right, everyone else drinks.

Two sips ✌️

• Something has obviously had to be curtailed or cut back due to the coronavirus
• Someone makes a joke about the coronavirus that falls flat
• Metal, punk, or some other unexpectedly hardcore genre
• Singing in another language... which isn’t their country’s native language
• A great visualisation, ruined by not standing in the right place
• Singer from another country
• Costume change
• A technical fault occurs
• Someone cries
• Graham gets the outcome of the country’s voting right
• The UK gets 12 points (this will never happen, but a man can dream)

Down your glass! 🍺

• Pyrotechnics set fire to something
• Someone jumps on stage during a performance

P.S. Other drinking games are available.