slug: "predictions/2023"
translates: "predictions/2023"
lang: en
title: "My predictions for 2023"
descriptions: "From the Satyrs’ Forest’s least trustworthy oracle"
thumbnail: "predictions/2023/og_pic.png"
thumbnailAlt: "A fortune-telling satyr with three arms hands you a pack of tarot cards"
pageCreated: "2022-12-27"
pageUpdated: "2023-12-31"
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h1
span.star ✶
| My pꝛedictions foꝛ 2023
span.star ✶
small(style="font-size: 1rem; display: block;") from þe Satyꝛs’ Foꝛeſt’s leaſt truſtwoꝛðy oꝛacle
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img(src="/predictions/2023/Untitled.webp" alt="A fortune-telling satyr with three arms hands you a pack of tarot cards")
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blockquote.ryder
| “Pick a card. Any card.”
strong Ryder, Oracular Satyracular
blockquote.reader
strong You, Intrepid Reader
| “I’m sorry, what?”
blockquote.ryder
| “Thou wanted to know what lies ahead, didſt thou not? Pick a card.”
strong Ryder
blockquote.reader
strong You
| “Look — i’m just here to browse a website. I don’t have time for this roleplay dross.”
blockquote.ryder
| “Suit thyſelf. Juſt know that i am not to blame if the Fates do not ſmile upon thee.”
strong Ryder
button#toggle(onclick="toggleFancyFonts();") Toggle fancy fonts
h2
span.star ✶
| Gꝛeat Bꝛitain
span.star ✶
section.card
figure
img(src="/predictions/2023/rishi.jpg" alt="Rishi Sunak")
figcaption
strong Riſhi Sunak ſhall carry on as pꝛime miniſter.
small Whilſt his party’s approval ratings ſtill lie in the depths of Tartaros, he remains reaſonably popular amongſt his compatriots.
span.mark.correct
img(src=qua("correct.png") alt="Correct")
| He’s still running out the clock until Sir Keir pulls a “Luigi wins by doing nothing” next year.
section.card
figure
img(src="/predictions/2023/convert.jpg" alt="An oak tree sprouts roses instead")
figcaption
strong A Conſervative member of parliament ſhall croſs þe flooꝛ to þe Labour party.
small It will likely be a member from the “red wall”. The member will claim they better reflect the values upon which he or ſhe (or Jamie Wallis) was elected.
span.mark.wrong
img(src=qua("wrong.png") alt="wrong")
| The only big Tory defection was Andrew Bridgen, who had compared the covid-19 vaccines to the Holocaust — not exactly Labour fodder.
section.card
figure
img(src="/predictions/2023/thistle.jpg" alt="A thistle in the snow")
figcaption
strong Þe government of Scotland ſhall not make furðer moves towards independence.
small They ſhall neither hold a referendum nor unilaterally ſecede.
span.mark.correct
img(src=qua("correct.png") alt="Correct")
| Nothing of the sort, and in fact, polls seem to show a decent showing in the unionist Labour party’s future.
section.card
figure
img(src="/predictions/2023/attenborough.jpg" alt="David Attenborough")
figcaption
strong David Frederick Attenboꝛough ſhall not die.
small He is in good health for a man of his age and continues to releaſe documentaries. This is not the year the Fates cut the cord.
span.mark.correct
img(src=qua("correct.png") alt="Correct")
| He lives!
h2
span.star ✶
| America
span.star ✶
section.card
figure
img(src="/predictions/2023/biden.jpg" alt="Dramatic portrait of Joe Biden")
figcaption
strong Joſeph Robinette Biden ſhall ſuffer a ſhoꝛt illneſs, ſparking a public debate on his fitneſs to ſerve þꝛough 2028.
small The illneſs itſelf will only briefly impact his ability to perform his job.
span.mark.wrong
img(src=qua("wrong.png") alt="Wrong")
| No illness needed for people to argue about his age, apparently.
section.card
figure
img(src="/predictions/2023/elephant.jpg" alt="An elephant running")
figcaption
strong No clear frontrunner in þe Republican race foꝛ pꝛeſident ſhall emerge by year’s end.
small Donald John Trump will moſt likely be neck-and-neck with Ronald Dion DeSantis.
span.mark.wrong
img(src=qua("wrong.png") alt="Wrong")
| It’s Mr Trump’s race to lose, and Mr DeSantis’ remarkable lack of rizz has sunk his campaign to a distant fourth.
section.card
figure
img(src="/predictions/2023/businessman.jpg" alt="An abstract depiction of a businessman walking away")
figcaption
strong Elon Reeve Muſk ſhall ſtep down oꝛ be removed as chief executive of Teſla.
small He will continue to make baffling and unpopular changes to Twitter, which will remain a dominant ſocial-media platform.
span.mark.mixed
img(src=qua("mixed.png") alt="Mixed results")
| Still in charge of Tesla, but the second part is truer than i ever could have thought.
h2
span.star ✶
| Þe wider woꝛld
span.star ✶
section.card
figure
img(src="/predictions/2023/china.jpg" alt="A Taiwanese woman does her hair as planes fly in the background")
figcaption
strong Þe Chineſe military ſhall not invade any part of Taiwan.
small They are evil, but they are not ſtupid — they have ſeen the reaction to Ruſsia’s invaſion of Ukraine and will not take the riſk.
span.mark.correct
img(src=qua("correct.png") alt="Correct")
| Nothing this year, at least.
section.card
figure
img(src="/predictions/2023/sunflower.jpg" alt="A patch of sunflowers")
figcaption
strong Þe Ruſsian army ſhall be beaten back to its antebellum frontlines in Ukraine.
small That is to ſay — at moſt, they will control Crimea and part of the Donbaſs. I make no further predictions on the ultimate fate of the war.
span.mark.wrong
img(src=qua("wrong.png") alt="Wrong")
| The war of attrition continues, but Ukraine’s big counteroffensive failed to make the big bite that was hoped for.
section.card
figure
img(src="/predictions/2023/erdogan.jpg" alt="Erdoğan shooting a clone of himself")
figcaption
strong Recep Tayyip Erdoğan ſhall be voted out of office in Turkey.
small Whether he will accept the reſults is another queſtion, one which i make no attempts at anſwering.
span.mark.wrong
img(src=qua("wrong.png") alt="Wrong")
| Well, it was a decent effort, at least.
h2
span.star ✶
| Technology
span.star ✶
section.card
figure
img(src="/predictions/2023/fusion.jpg" alt="A depiction of nuclear fusion")
figcaption
strong A pꝛivate company ſhall achieve nuclear fuſion ignition.
small
| One hour in Bruſsels is eight years on
span.theonym Earth
| . It would be unſurpriſing were ſome Silicon Valley ſtartup to beat Iter to the punch.
span.mark.wrong
img(src=qua("wrong.png") alt="Wrong")
| The U.S.’ government lab made some incremental progress, but that’s about it.
section.card
figure
img(src="/predictions/2023/vrheadset.jpg" alt="A woman wearing a VR headset")
figcaption
strong Apple ſhall debut a virtual-reality headſet.
small
| Like the iPhone, its ſoftware will be locked down and reſtricted to the company’s
span.all-sc PG
| -13 walled garden. This will be to the chagrin of furries, gaming enthuſiasts, and the European Union.
span.mark.correct
img(src=qua("correct.png") alt="Correct")
| Ding ding ding! It’s not out yet, but the Vision™ Pro® is on its way.
section.card
figure
img(src="/predictions/2023/apple.jpg" alt="A woman holding two apples")
figcaption
strong
| Þe iPhone 15 ſhall not have a
span.all-sc.antiqua USB-C
| poꝛt…
small …But the iPhone 16 moſt likely will.
span.mark.mixed
img(src=qua("mixed.png") alt="Mixed results")
| Apple jumped the gun and went straight for #[+sc("USB-C")] on the 15.
section.card
figure
img(src="/predictions/2023/gpt.jpg" alt="A robot made out of books")
figcaption
strong
| A text-generation model as powerful as
span.all-sc.antiqua GPT-
| 3 ſhall make its way into public hands.
small Whether through an official releaſe or a disgruntled leak, i cannot ſay.
span.mark.correct
img(src=qua("correct.png") alt="Correct")
| #[a(href="https://mistral.ai/news/mixtral-of-experts/") Mixtral] seems to have squeezed in just at the end of the year.
section.card
figure
img(src="/predictions/2023/turing.jpg" alt="A robot being inspected by two figures")
figcaption
strong An artificial intelligence ſhall not paſs þe Turing teſt.
small
| Much has been made about the capabilities of Open
span.all-sc AI
| ’s
span.all-sc GPT
| -4. I adviſe thee to follow in the footſteps of a great modern poet: “don’t believe the hype”.
span.mark.correct
img(src=qua("correct.png") alt="Correct")
| I’m not so hot on the Turing test as a measure of intelligence in the first place these days, but machine learning systems seem to continue to be scrupulously honest under pressure.
h2
span.star ✶
| Entertainment
span.star ✶
section.card
figure
img(src="/predictions/2023/movies.jpg" alt="Poster for an Indiana Jones–Barbie crossover movie")
figcaption
strong It ſhall be a good year foꝛ block-buſter cinema.
small
| In particular,
i Barbie
| and
i Indiana Jones and the Dial of Deſtiny
| ſhall be of greater quality than many expect.
span.mark.mixed
img(src=qua("mixed.png") alt="Mixed results")
| #[i Barbie] and #[i Oppenheimer] were great, but hoooo-ly shit, was it an absolutely miserable year for the big studios. If a company could buy a noose, Disney would be writing “Brooks Was Here” in the wall right about now.
section.card
figure
img(src="/predictions/2023/kanye.jpg" alt="Flowers on a tombstone")
figcaption
strong Kanye Omari Weſt ſhall end his own life, becoming a martyꝛ to þe woꝛſt ſorts of bigots.
small It is the natural, tragic endpoint of his downwards ſpiral. A throng of conſpiracy theoriſts will blame it on the Jewiſh people, becauſe they have nothing better to do.
span.mark.wrong
img(src=qua("wrong.png") alt="Wrong")
| Who the fuck predicts something like that? Past-me, are you okay? What the hell?
append timestampsInner
li Illustrated with Stable Diffusion (with apologies to Alphonse Mucha and Pamela Coleman Smith)