slug: ratings
title: "How i rate films*"
pageCreated: "2025-08-23"
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link(href="/ratings/ratings.css", rel="stylesheet")
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h1 How i rate films#[span.glowy-asterisk *]
div#header-subtitle #[span.glowy-asterisk *] Plus music, games, books, #[i &c.]
block content
p I’m coming at this from the perspective that anything above a 5 is good — completely ignoring the ratings inflation that plagues, say, the games industry — and that there’s no point in having a 10/10 rating if you’re not going to bloody use it. If the highest rating you ever actually give is an 8, why live?
ul#rating-list
li.rating#eleven-ott
h2.rating-number: div.rating-bullet 11
div.rating-name Masterpiece
div.rating-description
p This is a masterpiece. One of the greatest works of fiction ever produced. I will be thinking about this for decades to come.
p #[b Examples:] #[i Synecdoche, New York]; #[i Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind]; #[i Back to the Future]
li.rating#ten-ott
h2.rating-number: div.rating-bullet 10
div.rating-name Perfect
div.rating-description
p This is the best version of itself it could possibly be, with no major flaws to pick out. Pure excellence of the highest order.
p #[b Examples:] #[i Prisoners]; #[i Celeste]; #[i Casablanca]
li.rating#nine-ott
h2.rating-number: div.rating-bullet 9
div.rating-name Excellent
div.rating-description
p Still excellent, but somehow lacking the #[i je ne sais quoi] that makes something a 10/10.
p #[b Examples:] #[i The Abyss]; #[i A.I.: Artificial Intelligence]; #[i The Sixth Sense]
li.rating#eight-ott
h2.rating-number: div.rating-bullet 8
div.rating-name Great
div.rating-description
p Great! There are some flaws, but if you point them out you’re probably a sad little nitpicker with little else to do.
p #[b Examples:] #[i Eight Millimetre]; #[i Brazil]; #[i Top Gun: Maverick]
li.rating#seven-ott
h2.rating-number: div.rating-bullet 7
div.rating-name Good
div.rating-description
p This is pretty damned good, and i would happily watch/read/play/listen again any time.
p #[b Examples:] #[i Censor]; #[i Evil Dead 2]; #[i Pan’s Labyrinth]
li.rating#six-ott
h2.rating-number: div.rating-bullet 6
div.rating-name Decent
div.rating-description
p This is good. It’s just “good”, though. It won’t win any awards, but i enjoyed my time with it.
p #[b Examples:] #[i Beetlejuice Beetlejuice]; #[i Late Night with the Devil]; most Marvel films
li.rating#five-ott
h2.rating-number: div.rating-bullet 5
div.rating-name Middling
div.rating-description
p Some stuff i like, some stuff i dislike. Such is life. I just wish it were better.
p #[b Examples:] #[i Oblivion]; #[i Death of a Unicorn]
li.rating#four-ott
h2.rating-number: div.rating-bullet 4
div.rating-name Underwhelming
div.rating-description
p The most frustrating kind of bad film: one with the germ of a good idea, smothered under a terrible execution.
p #[b Examples:] #[i Heretic]; #[i The Congress]
li.rating#three-ott
h2.rating-number: div.rating-bullet 3
div.rating-name Bad
div.rating-description
p Actively bad to the point that i regret having watched it. The distinction between this and a 2/10 is blurry, and i’m not sure i’ve seen enough things i hate to be able to draw a firm line yet.
p #[b Examples:] #[i Morbius]
li.rating#two-ott
h2.rating-number: div.rating-bullet 2
div.rating-name Terrible
div.rating-description
p Properly agonising to watch. I wish i could slap the director/writer/frontman/developer in the face. Just a little! It wouldn’t hurt #[em that] much, i swear!
p #[b Examples:] #[i Red State]
li.rating#one-ott
h2.rating-number: div.rating-bullet 1
div.rating-name Awful
div.rating-description
p This is actively painful and i genuinely don’t know how anyone could sit through this. I usually turn a prospective 1/10 off before i can even watch enough to give it a rating.
p #[b Examples:] #[i 200 Motels]
li.rating#zero-ott
h2.rating-number: div.rating-bullet 0
div.rating-name Anathema
div.rating-description
p The lowest you can go. Not only is this bad, it goes aggressively against my values and everything i stand for as a person. I spit on its corpse.
p #[b Examples:] #[i Idiocracy], probably, were i to ever actually watch it
li.rating#alephnull-ott
h2.rating-number: div.rating-bullet ℵ₀
div.rating-name Megalon
div.rating-description
p A strange quantum realm where normal human notions of “good” and “bad” don’t apply. A string of baffling decisions resulting in a product that, regardless of merit, i can’t look away from. A more bipolar 5/10, in a way.
p #[b Examples:] #[i Megalopolis], #[i The Rocky Horror Picture Show]