are you such a dreamer
to put the world to rights

My mam took me on holiday to Gaza, which turned out to be a nice enough city apart from all the bombing. I tried in vain to look for a jewellery store before realising i had turned down approximately six wrong corners.

Part I

Me and my family went on holiday to Malawi, and I caught a horrid, brain-fog-inducing disease from playing at the beach. (Malawi is a landlocked country. Don’t think about it too much.) Thankfully, it cleared up within the day, and we later went and bought some souvenirs from a suspiciously Geordie-sounding man.

Part II

A gargantuan fleet of alien space robots were turning the Earth into liverwurst, and spreading a virus through language itself. Despite the valiant efforts of some, there was nothing that could be done to stop them.

Me and my family were holidaying at a cabin in the Icelandic wilderness. I saw the northern lights outside and rushed back in to tell them — but as soon as i came back, it was suddenly daytime, in the middle of a freezing blizzard.

The director of Free Guy released a “director’s cut” on his Youtube channel, which turned out to be an entirely separate movie about me and my friends building a long solar system–themed railway on our Minecraft server.

I was with my family in a W. H. Smith when i noticed that every newspaper and magazine, barring two — the Royal Scientist, which i assume is some sort of weird fusion of the Royal Society and the New Scientist, alongside some kind of esoteric Wiccan publication — had switched to the same minimalist cover for the day, with different crossword puzzles on top.

We tried to buy jugs of milk, but, due to Brexit shortages, about two thirds of each jug was filled with water instead.

Me and a friend trapped and killed a deer in our local woods and cooked the meat for dinner. I don’t remember how the venison tasted.

I was on a trip to Paris with my old school. After searching far and wide for a Greggs, we found a bakery. I promptly bought far too much and tried to speak French (or was it Dutch?) with the cashier, who replied in fluent English with an irritated tone.

Radiohead released a new album; five months later, they released their “ten-and-a-halfth” album. It was the exact same as the previous, only all the tracks were subtly reärranged. I went to the live debut of both of them; curiously, they were both held at the Theatre Royal in Newcastle.

I tried (and failed) to navigate my way up a hill in the Lei­ces­ter­shire country­side, getting heckled along the way by a drunkard on the other side of the road.

I was with my dad at the Rijksmuseum, when we took a turn into Schiphol Airport’s passport control area. Apparently we had inadvertently inspired a big-budget Hollywood film. Also, unrelatedly, Tommy Wiseau was there with us. We got held up in the queue due to a conversation with an old family friend — who i think had something to do with the creation of the big Hollywood film — and then the dream ended.

I went to an airport to prove that a book from the ’80s that i found a PDF of was the same in their bookstore as they claimed it was.

I then caught an express flight to somewhere in India, and woke up in a city square. I got on a bus to go find some place to eat, and the dream ended.

I had to receive invasive shoulder surgery; i was told thatthere was about a 5-percent change that it might causepermanent brain damage.

I predicted a flood in Turkey. Minutes later, my house wouldbe washed away into the sea by a storm before coming acrossa naval helipad, at which point i woke up.

The Queen came out as a trans man by the name of KingWin­chester, four hours before beïng shot and killed.There was an edit war over what to call the Wikipedia page.

I learned how to play Megalovania on guitar. (In reallife, i have no idea how to play any instrument.Also, would that make me more or less annoying than thepeople who can only play Wonderwall?)

I invited someone onto my Minecraft server. I gavethem hot chocolate (in Minecraft); they said ittasted better than the hot chocolate a friend of mine hadgiven them, which apparently tasted like coffee. I thenended up stuck in a laundry basket full of horrible, watery,coffee-y hot chocolate. (I woke up before i could confirmwhat it tasted like.)

I was on holiday in the Netherlands. Papa and i went to thestore; my Dutch apparently was less atrocious than i thoughtit was.

Me and my mum went to a 100 Gecs concert, although the dreamended before we could hear them play. I looked around thevenue and there were severely overpriced plushies for sale.We didn't actually know what venue we were at, so we askedsomeone who informed us that we were in a seasonal venuecalled the Fuckdrome™, of which he was the king.