My pꝛedictions foꝛ 2023 from þe Satyꝛs’ Foꝛeſt’s leaſt truſtwoꝛðy oꝛacle

A fortune-telling satyr with three arms hands you a pack of tarot cards
“Pick a card. Any card.”   Ryder, Oracular Satyracular
You, Intrepid Reader   “I’m sorry, what?”
“Thou wanted to know what lies ahead, didſt thou not? Pick a card.”   Ryder
You   “Look — i’m just here to browse a website. I don’t have time for this roleplay dross.”
“Suit thyſelf. Juſt know that i am not to blame if the Fates do not ſmile upon thee.”   Ryder

Gꝛeat Bꝛitain

Rishi Sunak
Riſhi Sunak ſhall carry on as pꝛime miniſter.Whilſt his party’s approval ratings ſtill lie in the depths of Tartaros, he remains reaſonably popular amongſt his compatriots.
An oak tree sprouts roses instead
A Conſervative member of parliament ſhall croſs þe flooꝛ to þe Labour party.It will likely be a member from the “red wall”. The member will claim they better reflect the values upon which he or ſhe (or Jamie Wallis) was elected.
A thistle in the snow
Þe government of Scotland ſhall not make furðer moves towards independence.They ſhall neither hold a referendum nor unilaterally ſecede.
David Attenborough
David Frederick Attenboꝛough ſhall not die.He is in good health for a man of his age and continues to releaſe documentaries. This is not the year the Fates cut the cord.


Dramatic portrait of Joe Biden
Joſeph Robinette Biden ſhall ſuffer a ſhoꝛt illneſs, ſparking a public debate on his fitneſs to ſerve þꝛough 2028.The illneſs itſelf will only briefly impact his ability to perform his job.
An elephant running
No clear frontrunner in þe Republican race foꝛ pꝛeſident ſhall emerge by year’s end.Donald John Trump will moſt likely be neck-and-neck with Ronald Dion DeSantis.
An abstract depiction of a businessman walking away
Elon Reeve Muſk ſhall ſtep down oꝛ be removed as chief executive of Teſla.He will continue to make baffling and unpopular changes to Twitter, which will remain a dominant ſocial-media platform.

Þe wider woꝛld

A Taiwanese woman does her hair as planes fly in the background
Þe Chineſe military ſhall not invade any part of Taiwan.They are evil, but they are not ſtupid — they have ſeen the reaction to Ruſsia’s invaſion of Ukraine and will not take the riſk.
A patch of sunflowers
Þe Ruſsian army ſhall be beaten back to its antebellum frontlines in Ukraine.That is to ſay — at moſt, they will control Crimea and part of the Donbaſs. I make no further predictions on the ultimate fate of the war.
Erdoğan shooting a clone of himself
Recep Tayyip Erdoğan ſhall be voted out of office in Turkey.Whether he will accept the reſults is another queſtion, one which i make no attempts at anſwering.


A depiction of nuclear fusion
A pꝛivate company ſhall achieve nuclear fuſion ignition.One hour in Bruſsels is eight years on Earth. It would be unſurpriſing were ſome Silicon Valley ſtartup to beat Iter to the punch.
A woman wearing a VR headset
Apple ſhall debut a virtual-reality headſet.Like the iPhone, its ſoftware will be locked down and reſtricted to the company’s PG-13 walled garden. This will be to the chagrin of furries, gaming enthuſiasts, and the European Union.
A woman holding two apples
Þe iPhone 15 ſhall not have a USB-C poꝛt……But the iPhone 16 moſt likely will.
A robot made out of books
A text-generation model as powerful as GPT-3 ſhall make its way into public hands.Whether through an official releaſe or a disgruntled leak, i cannot ſay.
A robot being inspected by two figures
An artificial intelligence ſhall not paſs þe Turing teſt.Much has been made about the capabilities of OpenAI’s GPT-4. I adviſe thee to follow in the footſteps of a great modern poet: “don’t believe the hype”.


Poster for an Indiana Jones–Barbie crossover movie
It ſhall be a good year foꝛ block-buſter cinema.In particular, Barbie and Indiana Jones and the Dial of Deſtiny ſhall be of greater quality than many expect.
Flowers on a tombstone
Kanye Omari Weſt ſhall end his own life, becoming a martyꝛ to þe woꝛſt ſorts of bigots.It is the natural, tragic endpoint of his downwards ſpiral. A throng of conſpiracy theoriſts will blame it on the Jewiſh people, becauſe they have nothing better to do.
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