My pꝛedictions foꝛ 2023 from þe Satyꝛs’ Foꝛeſt’s leaſt truſtwoꝛðy oꝛacle

A fortune-telling satyr with three arms hands you a pack of tarot cards
“Pick a card. Any card.”   Ryder, Oracular Satyracular
You, Intrepid Reader   “I’m sorry, what?”
“Thou wanted to know what lies ahead, didſt thou not? Pick a card.”   Ryder
You   “Look — i’m just here to browse a website. I don’t have time for this roleplay dross.”
“Suit thyſelf. Juſt know that i am not to blame if the Fates do not ſmile upon thee.”   Ryder

Gꝛeat Bꝛitain

Rishi Sunak
Riſhi Sunak ſhall carry on as pꝛime miniſter.Whilſt his party’s approval ratings ſtill lie in the depths of Tartaros, he remains reaſonably popular amongſt his compatriots.CorrectHe’s still running out the clock until Sir Keir pulls a “Luigi wins by doing nothing” next year.
An oak tree sprouts roses instead
A Conſervative member of parliament ſhall croſs þe flooꝛ to þe Labour party.It will likely be a member from the “red wall”. The member will claim they better reflect the values upon which he or ſhe (or Jamie Wallis) was elected.wrongThe only big Tory defection was Andrew Bridgen, who had compared the covid-19 vaccines to the Holocaust — not exactly Labour fodder.
A thistle in the snow
Þe government of Scotland ſhall not make furðer moves towards independence.They ſhall neither hold a referendum nor unilaterally ſecede.CorrectNothing of the sort, and in fact, polls seem to show a decent showing in the unionist Labour party’s future.
David Attenborough
David Frederick Attenboꝛough ſhall not die.He is in good health for a man of his age and continues to releaſe documentaries. This is not the year the Fates cut the cord.CorrectHe lives!


Dramatic portrait of Joe Biden
Joſeph Robinette Biden ſhall ſuffer a ſhoꝛt illneſs, ſparking a public debate on his fitneſs to ſerve þꝛough 2028.The illneſs itſelf will only briefly impact his ability to perform his job.WrongNo illness needed for people to argue about his age, apparently.
An elephant running
No clear frontrunner in þe Republican race foꝛ pꝛeſident ſhall emerge by year’s end.Donald John Trump will moſt likely be neck-and-neck with Ronald Dion DeSantis.WrongIt’s Mr Trump’s race to lose, and Mr DeSantis’ remarkable lack of rizz has sunk his campaign to a distant fourth.
An abstract depiction of a businessman walking away
Elon Reeve Muſk ſhall ſtep down oꝛ be removed as chief executive of Teſla.He will continue to make baffling and unpopular changes to Twitter, which will remain a dominant ſocial-media platform.Mixed resultsStill in charge of Tesla, but the second part is truer than i ever could have thought.

Þe wider woꝛld

A Taiwanese woman does her hair as planes fly in the background
Þe Chineſe military ſhall not invade any part of Taiwan.They are evil, but they are not ſtupid — they have ſeen the reaction to Ruſsia’s invaſion of Ukraine and will not take the riſk.CorrectNothing this year, at least.
A patch of sunflowers
Þe Ruſsian army ſhall be beaten back to its antebellum frontlines in Ukraine.That is to ſay — at moſt, they will control Crimea and part of the Donbaſs. I make no further predictions on the ultimate fate of the war.WrongThe war of attrition continues, but Ukraine’s big counteroffensive failed to make the big bite that was hoped for.
Erdoğan shooting a clone of himself
Recep Tayyip Erdoğan ſhall be voted out of office in Turkey.Whether he will accept the reſults is another queſtion, one which i make no attempts at anſwering.WrongWell, it was a decent effort, at least.


A depiction of nuclear fusion
A pꝛivate company ſhall achieve nuclear fuſion ignition.One hour in Bruſsels is eight years on Earth. It would be unſurpriſing were ſome Silicon Valley ſtartup to beat Iter to the punch.WrongThe U.S.’ government lab made some incremental progress, but that’s about it.
A woman wearing a VR headset
Apple ſhall debut a virtual-reality headſet.Like the iPhone, its ſoftware will be locked down and reſtricted to the company’s PG-13 walled garden. This will be to the chagrin of furries, gaming enthuſiasts, and the European Union.CorrectDing ding ding! It’s not out yet, but the Vision™ Pro® is on its way.
A woman holding two apples
Þe iPhone 15 ſhall not have a USB-C poꝛt……But the iPhone 16 moſt likely will.Mixed resultsApple jumped the gun and went straight for USB-C on the 15.
A robot made out of books
A text-generation model as powerful as GPT-3 ſhall make its way into public hands.Whether through an official releaſe or a disgruntled leak, i cannot ſay.CorrectMixtral seems to have squeezed in just at the end of the year.
A robot being inspected by two figures
An artificial intelligence ſhall not paſs þe Turing teſt.Much has been made about the capabilities of OpenAI’s GPT-4. I adviſe thee to follow in the footſteps of a great modern poet: “don’t believe the hype”.CorrectI’m not so hot on the Turing test as a measure of intelligence in the first place these days, but machine learning systems seem to continue to be scrupulously honest under pressure.


Poster for an Indiana Jones–Barbie crossover movie
It ſhall be a good year foꝛ block-buſter cinema.In particular, Barbie and Indiana Jones and the Dial of Deſtiny ſhall be of greater quality than many expect.Mixed resultsBarbie and Oppenheimer were great, but hoooo-ly shit, was it an absolutely miserable year for the big studios. If a company could buy a noose, Disney would be writing “Brooks Was Here” in the wall right about now.
Flowers on a tombstone
Kanye Omari Weſt ſhall end his own life, becoming a martyꝛ to þe woꝛſt ſorts of bigots.It is the natural, tragic endpoint of his downwards ſpiral. A throng of conſpiracy theoriſts will blame it on the Jewiſh people, becauſe they have nothing better to do.WrongWho the fuck predicts something like that? Past-me, are you okay? What the hell?
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