The GardenA blog by yours truly

Movie review: Goncharov 2 (Gonchathon day 37)

The internet was lit ablaze last year with the rediscovery of Martin Scorcese鈥檚 obscure masterpiece Goncharov, and it鈥檚 easy to see why. Accessible yet complex, of its time and yet progressive, it was ripe for a critical re毛valuation.

What people don鈥檛 often hear about is its sequel 鈥 one that Marvel鈥檚 biggest fanboy didn鈥檛 even know existed. The rights having fallen into the lap of the bloated corpse of Cannon Entertainment, they dumped it straight to video in 1989, leaving it to be forgotten.鈥 until now!!!

Goncharov 2: The Quest for Gonch (sold in the USSR as The Quest For God) is the biggest piece of shit since the fat one i laid in the McDonald鈥檚 deep fryer last weekend.1 The Gonch himself is no longer played by Robert DeNiro 鈥 clearly too good for this shit 鈥 but an up and coming Danny DeVito, wearing an unconvincing latex mask which sits somewhere in between Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky and that one I Think You Could Leave skit.

Personally, I think this was one of Devito鈥檚 better roles. Casting Devito to replace Deniro was an odd choice, but that鈥檚 what happens when the Farrelly Brothers direct a mafia film.

Yes, this was the Farrelly Brother鈥檚 first picture. They tried taking a more serious film for their first work, but it falls flat on its face in many places. I found the scene where the Gonch huffs thirteen cans of glue to be quite amusing for all the wrong reasons. Devito put his heart鈥

I neither know nor care who you are but please stop defending The Quest for Gonch鈩. The Goncharov Cinematic Universe does not need this sort of slander, and neither does this blog!

Listen, there is TONS of potential for the Goncharov Cinematic Universe to expand from this film. It鈥檚 not the best film, sure it鈥檚鈥 well鈥 

鈥..

鈥ell, it is definetly2 a film.

Well if you鈥檙e going to get technical, it鈥檚 not a film! It鈥檚 a video! I鈥檇 say it was shot on a potato, but that鈥檚 an insult to potatoes 鈥 when you compare it to the beautiful composition of Gonch 1鈩⑩檚 ending clock shot, this was shot on a yam.

Ok, sure, the picture quality wasn鈥檛 the best, but I鈥檇 blame that on the film鈥檚 rushed development. It was first approved by Scorceses in the late 1980s as a fallback in case he was killed by a conservative lynch mob during the production of The Last Temptation of Christ as a fallback.

You have no understanding of the complex lore behind /The Quest for Go(nch|d)/, you absolute fucking nitwit. You fool. You Fucking Nimrod.

The Last Temptation of Christ was released in 1988, and Concharov II was released in 1989鈥

Martin Scorcese had no involvement in this. This was that fucker Matteo Bunchofnumbers鈥 idea. You know how i know that? Because if Martin Scorsese knew about the existence of Goncharov 2: The Quest for Gonch, he鈥檇 have not only killed himself, but figured out how to kill himself twice.

You鈥檙e half-right; he had no involvement in the film, but he did approve its creation solely to profit off of any VHS sales. I know this because a friend鈥檚 cousin鈥檚 nephew鈥檚 sister-in-law鈥檚 boss鈥 son鈥檚 great uncle knew a guy who worked for the Cleveland Plain Dealer and did an interview with Scorsese not long before the film鈥檚 release.

I guess killing yourself twice just results in you coming back to life. Look 鈥 regardless of Marty McFly or whatever his name is鈥 affiliation with it, can we focus on the end product? I mean, that scene where Kremlinova trips over her high heels in that blue dress, and then when it cuts to the next shot, it鈥檚 orange! Orange! Don鈥檛 you try and fucking pretend it鈥檚 some deep symbolism that predicted the rise of every movie poster in the 2000s, it鈥檚 just the director having a fucking washing sponge6 for a brain!

Actually, I thought it was one of the more insightful scenes of the film. The dress colors symbolize the slow and gradual fall of Russian society from great pride in an idealistic world to the growing realization that said utopian dreams will never fruition, and the subsequent moral collapse 127.192.34.27 therein.

They could鈥檝e used a better dress for the scene, though. 73 West Boulevard, Ocala, Florida8

So then Goncharov gets aids. You know 鈥 given how tenderly G1 / Gonch Wick Chapter 1 handled its gay love scenes, there鈥檚 a real opportunity there! But since this is being directed by Thomas Ouiseau (no relation? I think?), he 鈥渃atches aids from a government cactus鈥, starts coughing up blood, and immediately says 鈥渋 have the aids鈥 and dies. Yes! I鈥檓 writing over you! Fuck you!

My least favorite part of the film would be the scene where Goncharov punches an Albanian consort woman. It was not necessary to the plot at all, and just felt like a dated excuse to throw in a bar fight scene. Oh my god, are you seriously writing over me? Wha- how is this even possible?

Fine, you know what, here.

You鈥檝e heard of Marsyas and Applo before, right?

You鈥檙e in Comic Sans now.

hhhNOOOOO

when the goncharov is the the gonch goncharov

You know what, hang on, this is my blog. I don鈥檛 have to put up with this crap. I can just tell you to leave. Or whatever.

That feels rude, actually, now i think of it.

I was never invited, so telling me to leave simply doesn鈥檛 work in the first place. Algorian logic. Pretty deep stuff interdimensional. Don鈥檛 think a normie like you would understand.

Look, can we just agree on a rating out of 10 and then go? The people need to know if G2庐 is worth the purchase!

0.85/10.

I think you鈥檙e being too nice with that 0.85. I mean, what is this? IGN?

Thrembo/10. Too many overly long sex scenes.

That鈥檚 not even a real number. Not since the incident.

Anyway 鈥 i give Goncharov 2: The Quest for God (God never shows up, incidentally, unless you count the Kandinsky painting in the beach scene) an (ei蟺+1)/10.

I revise my earlier rating. Rational numbers are better for ratings.

I give the film a -b卤鈭(b虏-4ac) 2a/10. Has the potential for greatly expanding the Goncharov universe, but its attempts at being both a psychological thriller and a slapstick humor film wrapped into a mafia film are simply too confusing for most viewers.

Thankfully, the first Goncharov11 film on VHS was also the last. And it鈥檚 stayed that way ever since. (We don鈥檛 talk about the Blockbuster trilogy.12) Good night.

1 comment

  1. R忙l H. Bishop says鈥

    I will not cease haunting this blong. Not until I find another copy of "Aladdin IV: Jafar May Need Glasses鈥, at least.

Please be nice. Comments may be edited for proper spelling and capitalisation, because i鈥檓 a pedant. Basic formatting: *bold*, /italics/, [//satyrs.eu links]鈫 More