The GardenDespatches from The Satyrs’ Forest

All aboard the Tanfield Railway

A vintage maroon passenger train, labeled "No 6", sits alongside a narrow wet platform bordered by grassy banks and lush autumn foliage. A person stands near the doorway of one of the rear carriages.

Hello. I’ve been to see some old trains. I thought you might like to hear about it.

The Tanfield Railway likes to brand itself as “the world’s oldest railway”, operating since 1725. It’s the sort of boast that tends to come with asterisks attached, but it’s worded specifically enough that i think it might just be true.

An elevated view of Andrews House station on the Tanfield Railway, showing a steam train stopped at the platform with people gathered around, flanked by trees and greenery under an overcast sky.

Is it the world’s first railway? Not by a long shot. The use of wheels in rails for transport goes back to the 1550s in Germany, and it was introduced to Britain soon thereafter. If you want to be really pernickety, you could even go back to ancient Greece, where a grooved Díolcos carried sea vessels over the inconvenient Isthmus of Corinth.

Is it the world’s oldest passenger railway? Heavens, no — Wales’ Oystermouth Railway started carrying passengers over by horse in 1807, and the Stockton and Darlington let them aboard its steam trains from 1833, whereas the Tanfield wouldn’t begin its (short-lived) passenger operations until 1842.

But… It is, as far as i can tell, the oldest physical stretch of (non-funicular) railway in the world which regularly carries trains today. Which seems good enough.

A map of the railway, showing (from north to south) Sunniside, Andrews House, Causey Arch, and East Tanfield

I snatched my tickets for the very last day of the operating season, when they were holding their big “gala” event, so if you’re hoping to use this as a visitor’s guide then this post will be utterly unhelpful, sorry. We started our day at East Tanfield, with a vintage bus parked outside, a nice little café, and some live tunes in the reception area courtesy of the Cloth Cappers.

I don’t think i’d ever seen so many flat caps in one place before stepping out onto the platform. While we all waited for a train to arrive, kids and anoraks alike were entranced on the bay platform by Horden, a canny green National Coal Board locomotive making a right show of tooting its horn and puffing away, even if it didn’t have anywhere to go at the moment:

A puffing green steam locomotive labelled “Horden” stands in the bay platform of a small railway station as two older gentlemen watch on

At last, our train arrived, pulled by a wartime loco rebuilt à la Thésée, and i, for my part, shuffled into third class like a good little plebeian. It was a strange mix of cramped and spacious — you get your own little compartment, leaving you free to sprawl wide open if noöne else is in there with you, but it’s easy to imagine people must have been packed in there like sardines back in the day. We sailed past the Causey Arch without stopping, before a brief stop at Andrews House (where i’d be doubling back later) and a subsequent slow ride to the terminus at Sunniside.

Alas, the terminus isn’t particularly photogenic, and there’s not much to see, but it did let me get a good shot of the British Railways badge on the locomotive as it prepared to turn around:

A black locomotive labelled “68029” bearing the British Railways badge: Issuant from a crown composed of a rose a thistle a leek and an oak leaf Or a demi-lion Gules holding between the paws a railway wheel Argent. Exterior view of a traditional stone and wooden building at Andrews House station, featuring a green wooden door, window with shutters, noticeboard, hanging flower baskets, and an A-frame sign for "Tommy's Emporium".

Back at Andrews House is the line’s most substantial station, a cute little cottage featuring a footbridge for easy trainspotting, another café, and, most salivatingly, a used bookshop specialising in trains, trains, and nothing but the trains.1 Obviously, then, i dashed straight in, and after a long conversation with an old man in a jacket who might have been a volunteer or might have just been a fellow nerd, left with three books on the railways that became the Tyne and Wear Metro for just £10. (I’m sure this purchase will provide me much fodder for future blog posts, if i can ever be bothered to write them.)

Finally, just up the hill from there, we find the Marley Hill depot, where trains are fixed up and any old railway artifacts that couldn’t find a better home are stashed. I’m fond of this big British Coal banner myself, because, really, the miners have always deserved their own pride flag too:

A blue, white and yellow flag with “British COAL” in big bold letters

On the parking lot between, all sorts of doohickeys were on display, from a vintage steamroller to an army of old preserved buses, for those who like their transport heritage more on the road-going side. The fine people at the North East Bus Preservation Trust were also running the shuttle service back to Tanfield, an old double-decker whose last gasp of normal service was as a converted tourist sight-seer. I climbed straight to the top, like the giddy child i am, which turns out to be less than ideal when it’s six degrees out and windy as all fuck. …And so that’s the story of how i ended my lovely day out shivering my cheeks off on a creaky open-top bus careening down the main road.

Three vintage buses are parked side-by-side outdoors on a grassy area. On the left is a green and cream single-decker bus, in the center is a silver double-decker open-top bus with yellow stripes commemorating the Queen's Silver Jubilee, and on the right is a cream and red vintage single-decker coach. Several people are standing nearby, viewing the vehicles on an overcast day.

Information for visitors

If you, too, would like to see some old trains, then too bad, because it’s closed until the spring. That said, should everything be the same when they start up again, here’s what you’ll want to know:

  • Admission: £16.22 per adult, £14.31 per senior, £5.30 per child (or 25% off if you travel by bus)
  • Address:
    • Andrews House: Engine Shed, Marley Hill, Burdon Plain; Gateshead NE16 5ET
    • East Tanfield: East Tanfield Station, Tanfield Railway, New Front St, Tanfield Lea, Stanley DH9 9UY
  • Accessibility: Accessible toilets are available at Andrews House and East Tanfield, and the railway’s official website states that a wheelchair-accessible partment is “usually available”.
  • Arriving there: Andrews House is regularly served by the X30, X31, and X32 buses from Newcastle and Stanley.

Mx Tynehorne’s link roundup, volume LXXI

Before we start: in the time since the last roundup, i’ve also added ten new links to the linkroll, all of which are just as good as any you’ll find here. Check ’em out!

Mx Tynehorne’s link roundup, volume LXX

Introducing @towns.satyrs.eu

Hello! If any of my (beautiful and sexy) readers are on Bluesky, i thought they might like to know that i’ve made a bot on there. It’s called @towns.satyrs.eu, and it posts a random British/Irish town (or village, or hamlet, or city) on the hour, every hour, give or take a few minutes. Like so:

Screenshot of a Bluesky post showing a town name (with Welsh translation), its coördinates, and a four-picture grid showing a satellite image and three more boring photos

It’s inspired by the inimitable (okay, highly imitable) @townsusa.bsky.social, which does the same thing but for American towns. Here’s how i made it, in bullet-point form:

  • Place data
    • From the moment i had the idea, i knew i wanted to use historic counties as the basis, rather than local government areas or the post-1974 bastardisations. I thought this would be a big hurdle — but, thankfully, the most comprehensive permissively licensed database on British place names out there, the Gazetteer of British Place Names, is maintained by none other than… the Association of British Counties! So that was easier than i expected.
    • The Irish government maintains its own official dataset of population centres, including both Irish and English names. It’s a bit thinner than its British counterpart, but it serves nicely enough for our purposes. (I had wanted to use Logainm.ie, the even more comprehensive dataset of Irish-language place names, but there didn’t seem to be any kind of download button anywhere… alas!)
    • For crown dependencies and overseas territories, i scraped data from OpenStreetMap using the Overpass Turbo API. It comes with its own bespoke arcane query language, but thankfully it’s 2026 and you can just get your friendly local server farm to write your queries for you instead of learning it yourself for questionable future gain.
    • OpenStreetMap also sourced most of the Welsh, Cornish, Scots Gaelic, and Irish place names for the UK, where the ABC’s gazetteer was frustratingly thin on the ground.
  • Pretty pictures
    • The satellite images are sourced from Mapbox, whose API has a very generous free tier if you can stomach giving them your card information.
    • Wikimedia Commons, incredibly, lets you search images by geographical location. The bot asks for the fifty nearest photos in a one-kilometre radius, then picks three from that list at random. (This avoids naïvely picking the three nearest and thus ending up with three pictures of exactly the same thing.)
    • Descriptive alt text is generated for the above by Google’s Gemini 3 Flash. At about a fifth of a pence per post — £17.50 per year, otherwise put — i’m hoping it won’t burn too much of a hole in my pocket.
  • Posting
    • Posting goes through Bluesky’s native ATProto API, whose documentation even starts with a helpful tutorial for setting up your first bot. That’s nice of them.

Anyway, that’s all. Enjoy, and do give the bot a follow if you wish!

eutechnia (noun)

Nasa poster depicting a couple reclining on a green, verdant futuristic Earth: “Your Oasis in Space — where the air is free and breathing is easy”

The Amish are not a people known for their love of the newfangled. They are deeply wed to their traditions, keeping to themselves, keeping the old ways alive, and shunning any sort of Engliſche imposition on their material culture. But there is one technological innovation which even the most stringently conservative have accepted:

A chart showing the uptake of technology by various Amish subgroups. 6% permit tractors. 40% permit mechanical refrigerators. *97%* permit motorised washing machines.
Via Wikipedia

The washing machine may be the most revolutionary invention in human history. (At the very least, it is the most revolutionary in women’s history, and 50% ain’t bad.) We do not often think particularly much of it today; when we do, it is usually because it is making too much noise, broken, or otherwise inconveniencing us. And yet! Think of all the hours saved — the gruelling days of hauling heaving buckets of water, scrubbing down with fat, keeping watch over boiling tubs… To quote the statistician Hans Rosling, on his mother’s first time using the machine:

My mother explained the magic with this washing machine the very, very first day. She said, ‘Now Hans, we have loaded the laundry. The machine will make the work. And now we can go to the library.’

This is the fundamental beauty of a technology applied correctly. It is deskilling as liberation. The liberation of one’s time, the liberation of one’s energy, the liberation of one’s mind to think about things other than merely staying alive.

Over the years, so many of these improvements, big and small, have shaved the drudgery, toil, and pain from our lives. As i write this paragraph, i am taking a sip of water that i can be reasonably sure is pathogen-free, with ice cubes which came from my electric freezer rather than the Arctic. A recording of Carole King’s “I Feel the Earth Move” is playing through my headphones, on demand.

Rarely do we truly appreciate these facts. Once a technology has embedded itself thoroughly enough into society, it becomes just another part of the scenery. “Hasn’t that always been there?” But sometimes, i’ll be out on a walk, and i’ll see a power pylon, and i’ll think — god! What a beautiful world we live in! What a great, bounteous planetary network of which we are all a part! For a moment, the spirit of Boris Yeltsin at a Texan grocery store possesses me, and my head begins to spin.

There is no name for this hyper-specific emotion. In the spirit of the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, i thought i might coin one.

This is eutechnia: the dizzying awe at all the technological progress of all of human civilisation that has brought you here, an appreciation for just how much better the average life is today than the past, and a deep reverence of all the interconnected systems that keep it afloat. In an age of pessimism and malaise, we could all do with a little eutechnia in our lives.

Mx Tynehorne’s link roundup, volume LXIX

“Song from the perspective of a ransomware virus” has to be up there with “Song from the perspective of a child’s bedroom nightlight” in terms of the great musical points of view, right?

Chærete again. I’ve been reading Snow Crash for the first time recently, and it’s absolutely rewired my brain. I suspect i shall have more to say on it when i finish it — in which event you’ll be able to find it on the brand new “Stuff i’ve {watched, listened to, read, played} recently” page, if you were wondering where those posts had gone!

Anyway. Some links for you all, for the sixty-ninth time.

Worried we’re going to run out of good, reliable Future Years. 2000 was a big blow, and we just lost 2019, 2020, and 2025 in rapid succession. 2050 and 2070 are in reach in our lifetimes. I don’t think anything starting with a 21- has anywhere near the same amount of aura

Mx Tynehorne’s link roundup, volume LXVIII