The GardenA blog by yours truly

THE WAR ON SANTA

ALRIGHT BUCKO IT鈥橲 FUCKING NOVEMBER, PUT YOUR GODDAMNED HANDS UP!

MARIAH CAREY DEFROSTING
MARIAH CAREY IS DEFROSTING RIGHT FUCKING NOW AND THERE鈥橲 NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT

THIS FUCKING HALLOWE鈥橢N SHIT IS OVER MERRY CHRISTMAS I WANT YOU TO REPEAT AFTER ME 鈥淢ERRY CHRISTMAS鈥 RIGHT NOW AND I鈥橫 NOT LETTING YOU GO UNTIL YOU DO IT

MERRRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO

NOW YOU MIGHT BE WONDERING WHY I鈥橵E BROUGHT YOU HERE TODAY AND THERE鈥橲 ONE SIMPLE REASON. THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS? IT鈥橲 FAKE. IT鈥橲 A FUCKING PSYOP. WE鈥橰E RECRUITING YOU INTO THE REAL WAR. THE WAR ON SANTA CLAUS.

THIS RAT FUCKING BASTARD SANTA IS AGGLOMERATING CHRISTMAS INTO ONE CORPORATISED YANKEE MEGATRADITION AND THIS CANNOT STAND! FATHER CHRISTMAS IS THE REAL ONE. SINTERKLAAS AND HIS WEIRD RACIST FRIENDS ARE THE REAL ONES. SATURN IS WEIRD BUT WE KIND OF STOLE HIS SHTICK AND ALSO WE鈥橰E PRETTY SURE HE鈥橠 EAT US IF WE DIDN鈥橳 LEAVE HIM BE. DED MOROZ IS STAYING. BUT SANTA CLAUS? WE鈥橰E KILLING THAT ELF-ENSLAVING ASSHOLE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9jbdgZidu8

YOUR SOUNDTRACK FOR THIS MISSION WILL BE 鈥淔AIRYTALE OF NEW YORK鈥, PLAYED ON REPEAT FOR SEVENTY-TWO HOURS STRAIGHT. THIS IS BECUASE SANTA IS HOMOPHOBIC AND YOU NEED TO GET ACCLIMATISED TO HIM CALLING YOU A WELL YOU KNOW

FATHER CHRISTMAS WITH LASER EYES
WE HAVE LASER EYES POWERED BY THE MAGIC OF CHRISTMAS AND WE ARE NOT AFRAID TO USE THEM

AND AFTER WE鈥橰E DONE, OH TRUST ME BUCKO, WE鈥橰E NOT STOPPING THERE. YOU THINK NOVEMBER IS BAD? WE鈥橰E GONNA EXTEND CHRISTMAS SEASON TO ALL YEAR ROUND. HALLOWE鈥橢N? YOU MEAN PRECHRISTMAS? SUMMER HOLIDAYS? YOU MEAN CHRISTMAS IN JULY??? THAT鈥橲 RIGHT FUCKER IT鈥橲 CHRISTMAS EVERY DAY THE PROPHECY IS TRUE MERRY CHRISTMAS

1 comment

  1. Xanthe says鈥
    2w8373gz

    I would like any bemused future readers to know that i was very sleep deprived while writing this

Please be nice. Comments may be edited for proper spelling and capitalisation, because i鈥檓 a pedant. Basic formatting: *bold*, /italics/, [//satyrs.eu links]鈫 More