12. Angry Man #7

As comic relief, he’s great, and should obviously be played by Tim Robinson in the inevitable event of a remake. As a person, fuuuuuck this guy. A life is hanging in the balance and you just want to watch some Yankee cricket? You fold under pressure, rather than actually reëvaluating your beliefs? Kill yourself, my man.

11. Angry Man #10

There is nothing but hate behind those eyes. A wretched soul who is rightfully told to sit down and shut up. #CancelAngryManNumberTen

10. Angry Man #2

Detestable for the same reason as Angry Man #7. A doormat with no opinions of his own whose soul is carried away with the current. But at least he’s affable.

9. Angry Man #6

The boringest Angry Man. Why is he here? We needed twelve of them, i guess.

8. Angry Man #3

The kind of man who turns on Fox News, sees his son send a post-ironic femboy meme in the family group chat, and immediately decides every transgender person should be rounded up. Not a dyed-in-the-wool bigot like Angry Man #10, but no nicer to be around. All we can do is pray that someone turns on the parental controls on his TV and switches him over to MSNBC.

7. Angry Man #12

He treats the case as frivolously as Angry Man #7, but you know what? I can’t help but like him. He just wants to show off his cereal box slogans and play noughts and crosses.

6. Angry Man #11

“Continental Europeans who moved to an Anglophone country” are God’s chosen people.

5. The Foreman

Poor fella’s just tryin’ ta dee his job and he’s stuck in the room with all these colourful characters. I can’t help but feel bad for him.

4. Angry Man #5

The most mysterious Angry Man. He’s of the same ethnicity as the descendant, and he knows how switch-blades work, but otherwise… who knows? What mysteries lie in his past? We’ll never find out, but he seems like a cool dude.

3. Angry Man #8

“You know, i would have voted for FDR a fifth time if i could.” The greatest bleeding-heart liberal in cinematic history. His heroism made a tear come out of my eye that then turned into a dove of peace and flew away. But just as admirable as those who lead the charge are those who can admit their faults — which leads us to…

2. Angry Man #4

Hell yes. Unlike Angry Men #3 and #10, #4 doesn’t vote “guilty” because of prejudice. He sincerely believes that the boy did it, and, once every argument is dismantled, he quietly accedes and admits defeat rather than loudly crashing out. Also spends the most time aura-farming out of any of the Angry Men.

1. Angry Man #9

The coolest old man in the universe. The Paddington Bear of the 12AMCU, able to disarm anyone with a hard stare. Somehow the only person in the room who knows how glasses work. 10/10 Angry Man-ing.