Finally listening to BjĂśrk at the repeated insistence of
a friend, and my word, i think
âHyperballadâ might be one of the best
songs iâve ever heard.
Hello again. Itâs been a while, hasnât it? I went on a nice riverside walk and thought iâd send you
some photos. (Look, i was getting desperate and it was either this or a post about why seven is my
favourite number.)
Our scene today is the southern end of Bedlington, a reasonably sized and â if iâm to be honest â
terribly mediocre town right in the middle of that conurbation in the southeast of Northumberland.
Thankfully, weâre not going to concern ourselves with the town centre (a place whose selling points
are a Greggs and a void that used to be a Tesco) â no, weâre going down a steep and heavy slope
until we wind up on the steep banks of the river Blyth, where the local parish have kindly set up a
path. Wonât you join me?
Seeing this, i was simply overcome by the androgynous urge to stomp and plod around in a stream.
(Itâs what Hermaphroditos would have wanted.) Alas, my shoes were
terribly unfit for such activity, and i had to call it off for another day. A national tragedy!
About halfway down the river, thereâs this small leafy island that some ducks appear to have claimed
as their home. I would have admired it further, but i was being shadowed by by a couple with some
particularly yappy and aggressive dogs and really just wanted to get the whole predicament over
with.
Iâm not 100% sure whatâs going on with the pillar in the middle â itâs about where the path on the
opposite side comes to a sudden stop; perhaps it used to be the support for some kind of railway
bridge.
I did, i admit, have to trespass on a dam for this view â the ducks, i hope, would never be grasses.
Itâs just not in their DNA.
Some incredible visual storytelling here. Someoneâs drawn an owl saying âPeace!â, then someone else
has come and vandalised it with a swastika, then someone else went and turned the
swastika into something resembling the Windows logo. I donât know where âR.C.â comes into this, but
if they were the last fellow, i salute them. Truly, one of the heroes of our time.
(I was somewhat tempted to scribble over it myself and turn it into Loss.jpgâŚ)
Have to say, the âMake a Meme!â watermark really puts the cherry on top.
There are two wolves inside of me. One is a fantasy author who will gladly write thirty-word run on
sentences until theyâre purple in the face; the other is a copy-editor for the
Economist who wants to hack at every sentence until itâs shorter than their last
relationship.
I suspect the fantasy author is winning â much as the copy-editor is the one who writes my style
guide, theyâd probably be mortified by the liberty with which their counterpart peppers texts with
em-dashes and semicolons.1 And anyway â iâm a blogger, not a journalist! I
have no requirement to make my writing erudite to the average businessman. (Well, maybe if this site
suddenly pivots audiencesâŚ)
One thing iâd like to do at some point, i think, is find a way to synchronise or link up the
WordPress comments here on the blog with the jury-rigged PHP comments on
the main site. Much as i admire the single-style, chronological blog format, it can be terribly
limiting at times â iâd love to be able to post simultaneously here and there and not have people
worry about missing out on the discussion.
Look. Reader, youâre probably sick to death of âRunning up that Hillâ1 at
this point â itâs been everywhere for weeks. But iâm not, because itâs a bloody great song and i
neither listen to pop radio nor watch Stranger Things, so hereâs a brilliant, luscious
cover by the inexplicably non-Australian band2 the Wombats.
(P.S. â I still canât remember that post idea i had the other day, no matter how many bike
rides to the same place i run⌠was it a religious thing? Some meta-internet naff? Was i going to get
political? If someone has access to my brainâs Recycle Bin folder, please tell me.)
I had a really good idea for a post the other night. Then i fell asleep and promptly forgot it, so
youâre getting this instead â apologies.
Itâs here it's here itâs heeere! The 1975 have released
the first single off their new album,
and by god, they might not be the greatest band in the world, but they got me into music, so i
canât help but call them my favourite band in the world.
Iâve missed, erm, quite a lot of âmonthly updatesâ, so hereâs me catching you up on everything iâve
watched, listened to, and otherwise done since February.
(I should note that from here on out iâll be using numeric ratings instead of letters â i find it
much easier to figure out whether somethingâs a 7 or an 8 than whether itâs an A or a B.)
đĽ Films on the big screen
There are few films i would recommend unconditionally to anyone and everyone, but by Gods,
Everything Everywhere All At Once (2022) is one of them. Itâs
belly-laugh funny, has brilliant action, and features some of the most truly ridiculous scenes
ever put to film, but all without ever losing its sincere, heartfelt core. Just go watch it.a
(9)
The Northman (2021) is Robert Eggersâ first attempt at a big
blockbuster film â and probably his last, looking at the box office. Which is a shame â this
weird, grim, beautiful, gory Pagan epic just tickled me in all of the right places, and very
well might be in my top 3 films ever made. I loved how it struck the balance of âmaybe itâs
magic, maybe itâs mundaneâ; BjĂśrk and Willem Dafoe absolutely steal the show in their brief
appearances. (10-)
Top Gun: Maverick is everything a blockbuster should be. Itâs so, so
refreshing to watch something so grounded in the real world after what feels like decades of
fantastical superhero CGI fluff dominating the box office. Yes, itâs
a recruitment ad for the US Navy and probably the Sea Org, but who gives a shit? It had me glued
to my seat start to finish.b (8)
The same, alas, cannot be said of its predecessor, which i tried to watch to bring me up to
speed. Tried is the operative word there: homoerotic beach volleyball and extreme Dad
Movie energy can only go so far to prop up flat characters and stakeless action; i ended up
turning it off halfway through. I canât recommend it to anyone whoâs not a Dad Who Likes Planes.
(2)
Sam Raimi takes the wheel at the newest Marvel theme park ride,
Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness. Mr Raimiâs hectic style shines through in some glorious, fleeting moments, but most of it is
just another by-the-numbers intellectual property orgy which left me sorely disappointed. I
considered walking out of the screen several times. (5-)
The Batman is a very good adaptation of a story we all know by now. I
loved, loved, loved Paul Danoâs weird incel version of the Riddler, the Pat-manâs
eyeshadow, and that one part where he flubs the landing with his cool flying squirrel suit. (7+)
I watched Morbius in the cinema. Dear god, why did i watch
Morbiusin the cinema? Why did i do that to myself? Donât believe the
memes. Excepting one truly glorious scene with Matt Smith, this isnât the funny kind of bad.
Itâs just plain bad. (2+)
Moonfall, on the other hand⌠now thatâs a good bad movie. I swear my
IQ dropped several points after walking out of the cinema. (5) Here
are some things that actually happen in this actual movie that was actually released into actual
cinemas across several actual countries and made millions of actual dollars:
The government successfully covers up the fact that the moon is falling, and
not a single person notices except for a crazed conspiracy theorist.
Said conspiracy theorist is inexplicably British.
The characters take the Space Shuttle out of a museum because their other rocket broke,
and it still works just as well as the day it was put in there. Also, someone graffitiâd
it with the words âfuck the moonâ.
The day is saved by superior Chinese technology, because of course it is.
On that note â there is a character in here whose sole purpose, iâm pretty sure, is to
just stand there, say some lines now and then, and be Chinese for the Chinese audience.
You could cut her out of the film and literally nothing would change.
You can guess what the department of defence wants to do to the moon. Thatâs right, they
try to nuke it!
But they donât because a five-star general knows his ex-wife is up there.
There is a shot of the moon falling on New York City in which, i shit you not,
every building except the World Trade Centre gets absolutely blown to
smithereens.
Someoneâs brain is uploaded to the moon.
One of the main charactersâ friends owns a Lexus⢠dealership. All of the characters
drive Lexus⢠cars, and they escape oxygen thieves(??) by activating Turbo Mode on their
Lexus⢠automobile.
The Space Shuttle is vaguely âsecuredâ by the Russian cybersecurity firm Kaspersky, who,
just weeks after my screening, got sanctioned by the EU in the wake of the special
peacekeeping operationâ˘.
A main character gets trapped underneath a log and
he escapes because the moonâs gravity pulls it off of the ground! This really
happens! I am not making this up! Someone says âSonny, the moon will help us!â
âI know; thatâs why we lost the house.â â a seven-year-old
đż Music
Sigur RĂłsâ () â I may now have a new favourite album. At the very
least, itâs my favourite album where none of the tracks have titles and my favourite album where
every song is sung in asemic gibberish. Check out
the opening track. (9)
John Grantâs Queen of Denmark â A surprise gift from my papa. A really
lovely piano record â check out
the title track. (7+)
Spinvisâ Spinvis â Hallelujah, Dutch-language music that doesnât suck
donkey dick! Check uit
âVoor ik vergeetâ. (7-)
After acquiring it on black plastic, i thought iâd give Green Dayâs
American Idiot a spin â last time around i gave it a C+, but itâs much
better when youâre able to properly appreciate each track on its own merits. You know the hits,
so check out âLetterbombâ. (8)
Charli XCXâs Crash is pretty good, but anchored too firmly in the
mainstream for my liking. Check out the hyperpop-inflected
âLightningâ. (7)
đş Apple TV+âs Severance is some of the best bloody television iâve
ever seen. I pray to the heavens above that they donât fuck up that cliffhanger. (9+)
đş Netflixâs animated Inside Job has a wonky start, with an abundance
of forced pop-cultural references, but really finds its footing by the end of the season. Hereâs
hoping they donât cancel it â i canât wait to see where it goes next! (7)
đĽď¸ Kane Parsons continues to breathe new life into a worn-out e-horror setting with his
Backrooms
series. (7)
â°ď¸ I am, as of last month, an official sponsor of the otters at
Northumberland Country Zoo. My only regret is that iâm not allowed to hug them. (cute/10)
Cat tax. Otter tax?
â°ď¸ Finally, as ever, i can highly recommend
going outside and touching grass. Really, one of the most fulfilling things you can ever do. (10+)
This article comes equipped with its own optional soundtrack for those who want to follow along
with my listening habits as well as my walk.
We begin at the
Holy Jesus Hospital, whose site
served as an almshouse for the poor for seven hundred years.
The current 17th-century building now serves as office space for the National Trust.
No noseys allowed (shame!)
Anyone need some tiles?
Iâm pretty sure this is either âHallelujahâ or âJerusalemâ, but i have absolutely no idea which.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQlAEiCb8m0
Only a scant few BT-branded trucks occupy the parking lot of this
hulking concrete husk, surely far too big for its intended purpose.
Ahhh â reminds me of home, back in Hoorn.The tragedy of Brexit.Is it, Greggs? Is it?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hHSH9sJUEo
Thereâs a lot of commie graffiti scattered along this road, though all of it seems to be by the
same person â you can tell because they canât draw a hammer and sickle.
Bloody showoffs. (That reminds me â i have a massive unpublished gallery post of a walk down the
full length of the Ouseburn, but never did get around to finishing it⌠maybe soon?)
The most important meal of the day.1
Iâve decided to join the Sea Org and give my lifeâs savings to the military-industrial complex.
(In all seriousness, it was a bloody brilliant film â everything a blockbuster should be!)
This whole time i thought Florence and the Machineâs
âHungerâ was a song by the Killers. Aâam i
losing it?? I can hear Brandon Flowers singing âyou made a fool of death with your beauty!â
so clearly in my headâŚ
Sometimes i like to go back in the Wayback Machine and take a trip down memory lane, and see how
this place has evolved as i hone my HTML-craft â especially pertinent
given the forestâs rapidly approaching fifth birthday. I thought you might like to take a look as
well.
2019 vs. 20222020 vs. 20222020/2021 vs. 20222020 vs. 20222019 to 2022. (Older revisions have since been lost to time.)
Itâs the end of an era in Newcastle, however short it was, as the temporary
shipping container food courtâcumâpublic squareâcumâshopping centre Stack comes down after three
years. The former site of an Odeon cinema was set to be turned into a mixed-use development, but the
pandemic caused a change of direction from the developers. The plans have since been slimmed down to
just comprise what lockdown proved was truly, 100% necessary:
Offices.
Youâd never guess it, but this luscious green path (carefully cropped so that you donât see the
yawning gravel service road behind the camera) is on the former site of a colliery in
Bedlington. Thereâs not much left to see â the neighbouring pit town
was bulldozed in the â70s, and the farmers have done a bang-up job of hiding any traces of the mines that lie underneath.
After
2.3 million pounds
and a skyscraperâs worth of scaffolding, Morpethâs central station has finally been
restored to its former Georgian glory, red fences and all. The locals will be pleased to know that
Lumo, a sparkly new Ryanair-ified third-class train service from Edinburgh to London, have no choice
but to stop here thanks to a sharp bend in the track.