I had some time to kill after buying my mam a present from Tynemouthâs station market and decided to
spend it by taking a walk in the golden hours of the day, now that spring is coming around and the
weather isnât quite so permanently miserable. I thought i might show you some photos.
These are not the warm, jade waters of the Mediterranean â the North Sea is (usually) grim,
cold, and trying to kill you.
St Maryâs Lighthouse, off the coast between Seaton Sluice and Whitley Bay. Fond memories of many
a school trip.
Oh shit i took both pills and now iâm stuck in the Bench Dimension
I went to see everyoneâs favourite synth-pop act Chvrches a few nights back, and i must say they put
on a hell of a show. Even at the
City Hall â quite a stuffy venue by
most standards â the crowd went absolutely mental for âClearest Blueâ at the end! (I
barely know what came over me.)
Great staging, too â i counted three costume changes throughout the night, including a delectably
bloody âFINAL GIRLâ shirt for the encore. (Their latest album has a
horror-movie gimmick crafted entirely to let them swap remixes1 with John
Carpenter â not that iâm complaining.)
Now imagine the same distorted whingeing and generic melody for half an hour straight.
The opening act were an Ozzie band called HighSchool who, being brutally honest, should go back to
PrimarySchool. Theyâre one of those acts that basically only know how to write one song over and
over, and itâs alright at first, but by take number five of the same sludge youâre praying for it to
end, you know? (See also the inexplicably successful 1975 cover band Pale Waves.)
9/10, would stand in line for several hours again.
Well, i donât know about you, but iâve had a nice few weeks. Went to see the new Batman at the
cinema, bought some records, went out on a couple of jaunts â you get the idea. Anyway. Links.
I was on my usual city constitutional the other week when i noticed that
my favourite bubble tea place1 had
shuttered. Hm, thatâs odd, i thought.
Last time that happened was lockdown. Donât know why theyâd do it again. I assumed theyâd
be back again swiftly, and went on with my day.
Then the week after i noticed that the entrance to the
Ăźber-hip shipping-container food court of which it was a
part was blocked off. Hm, thatâs odd, i thought.
Ah, well. Itâs probably just construction. These things happen all the time.
It was only yesterday that i saw the crane lifting one of the shipping containers away and realised
something (other than the container) was up. Sure enough, one quick google reveals the flashy new
development thatâll be taking its place â originally it was going to be
mixed-use, but covid crunch caused them to scale back to the thing that covid really, conclusively proved
was absolutely 100% necessary and in demand, definitely:
offices.
âPilgrimâs Quarterâ is part of a broader redevelopment of the neglected Pilgrim Street, which may or
may not include a pedestrianisation â i donât know; itâs all in jargonese and i canât make heads or
tails of what Enhancing The Public Realm is meant to mean. (Or, for that matter, why theyâve
misspelt it as âPilgrimâs Quaterâ on the official brochure.)
The permission slips are all in place â so hereâs to you, Stack. You might have had some exorbitant
prices (sorry, Korean place, but iâm not paying ÂŁ12 for a few chicken wings and fries), but
otherwyze you were a shining beacon of small businesses in the city centre â you were too good for
this world. *Pops open a bottle of champagne*
Kevin Kelly, ex-editor of the Whole Earth Catalog and founder of Wired, brings us
âThe Big Here Quizâ, a 30(+4)-question
test of how well you know your local area. I thought iâd give it a shot. Mr Kelly says heâs
âextremely interested in hearing from anyone who scores a 26 or better on the quiz on their first
unassisted-by-Google tryâ, which absolutely does not include me. Youâve got to learn these
things somehowâŚ
Point north.
Easily done â thatâs what a lifetime of staring at maps and stargazing will do!
What time is sunset today?
My intial guess was twenty past five; Google helpfully confirms that i was off by only
five minutes.
Trace the water you drink from rainfall to your tap.
My local water companyâs water is primarily sourced from the Kielder reservoir, in the
Northumbrian outback â iâll confess iâm not entirely sure what system of pipes brings it
to my houseâŚ
When you flush, where do the solids go? What happens to the waste water?
There are several sewage treatment works near my house; could be any one of them. (The
local water companyâs website is
hopelessly vague about what
happens to the wastewater â perhaps i should have paid more attention in school.)
How many feet (meters) above sea level are you?
My intial guess was in the vicinity of 15 metres â hopelessly far off. The actual figure
was more like fifty!
What spring wildflower is consistently among the first to bloom here?
No idea. (The Woodlands Trust helpfully informs me that primroses appear as early as
December when the winter is mild.)
How far do you have to travel before you reach a different watershed? Can you draw the
boundaries of yours?
I couldnât draw the boundaries, but the next town over is in a different watershed
basically any way i travel.
Is the soil under your feet, more clay, sand, rock or silt?
Clayey â oh, so clayey.
Before your tribe lived here, what did the previous inhabitants eat and how did they sustain
themselves?
The question strikes me as a little Amerocentric â should i just ask my Welsh friend
what he had for breakfast? (And, in any case, since iâm half immigrant, who exactly are
the previous inhabitants? The Normans? The Anglo-Saxons? Romans? Celts?)
Name five native edible plants in your neighborhood and the season(s) they are available.
Garlic, from summer to early autumn.
Blackcurrants, in summer. (Banned in America!)
Blackberries, from August to September.
This is about where my limited knowledge runs out.
From what direction do storms generally come?
The southwest.
Where does your garbage go?
Landfill, mostly. (A quick Google reveals many landfill sites nearby, mostly owned by
Suez.)
How many people live in your watershed?
I have a right to privacy, Kevin.
Who uses the paper/plastic you recycle from your neighborhood?
I should hope myself. Iâd be a bit peeved if it all just gets shipped off to the Gambia
or somewhere like that.
Point to where the sun sets on the equinox. How about sunrise on the summer solstice?
Youâre not going to believe this, but i can, in fact, point to the west. (Some tinkering
about with Stellarium informs me that the sun
rises almost due northeast on the solstice.)
Where is the nearest earthquake fault? When did it last move?
Iceland, i would imagine. Itâs constantly moving, but the last tectonic activity that
reached the British ear was the eruption of
EyjafjallajĂśkull.
Right here, where you are, how deep do you have to drill before you reach water?
No idea.
Which (if any) geological features in your watershed are, or were, especially respected by your
community, or considered sacred, now or in the past?
Taking âwatershedâ more broadly, the river Tyne was and is quite highly regarded. The
Duddo Five Stones have
expansive views of the Cheviots. The Tyne Valley is home to Hadrianâs wall â dotted with
temples and such for Roman soldiers â and the oft-photographed
Sycamore Gap tree.
How many days is the growing season here (from frost to frost)?
No idea â after some research, itâs about 280 days⌠which is a full month longer than it
was thirty years ago. Probably not a great sign.
Name five birds that live here. Which are migratory and which stay put?
Kittiwakes (migratory; the bastards have colonised the Tyne Bridge and made the whole
quayside smell of bird cack), robins (stay put), common ravens (stay put), barn owls
(stay put), tawny owls (stay put).
What was the total rainfall here last year?
Iâm no statistician, mate⌠(It was about 690 millimetres.)
Where does the pollution in your air come from?
Petrol emissions and the occasional blast of dust from the Sahara, though one presumes
coal once made up a greater part.
If you live near the ocean, when is high tide today?
No idea, at first â my 2022 Almanac tells me it was at about 4 p.m.
What primary geological processes or events shaped the land here?
I know about the geological history of the Channel and the Scottish Highlands, but my
earthlore regarding the north east is dreadfully lacking. Something something Pennines?
Name three wild species that were not found here 500 years ago. Name one exotic species that has
appeared in the last 5 years.
Grey squirrels, murder hornts, and Japanese knotweed. In todayâs globalised world,
exotic species arenât very â but perhaps the pet otter trade has driven up the numbers
for Aonyx cinereus.
What minerals are found in the ground here that are (or were) economically valuable?
Garlic, new cars, citrus, crackling firewood, manure*
C
Glue, bleach, paint, coffee, oneâs own body odour
D
Manure*, wet dogs, other peopleâs body odour, cannabis, exhaust fumes
F
Cigarette smoke1, rotten eggs, cat piss, human waste
* Manure is in a curious superposition where it could probably occupy every tier at once.
On one hand, it smells like shit (because it is), but after so long living in the country, i
canât help but find it refreshing to the senses. Itâs the smell of having escaped the city â
the smell of Demeter!
Hello. Iâve done some things in the past month and a half. They were alright.
Films watched
Miranda Julyâs Kajillionaire: watched on a whim as part of my local art-house cinemaâs âbest of 2020â programme. A soppy
gay kiss and a solitary touching scene canât save this film from its own worst tendencies, with
irritatingly quirky characters, jokes so dry they donât deserve to be called âhumourâ, and a
flat, unemotional lead. (D)
Quentin Tarantinoâs Kill Bill, Vol. 1 (2003): Man sure does like his
feet. (A)
Marvelâs Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021): I canât be a cynic about this
â itâs just plain fun from start to finish. Willem Dafoe and Andrew Garfield absolutely steal
the show, almost making up for the formerâs goofy mask and the latterâs abysmal Spider-flicks.
Some of that CGI was a bit dodgy, though, wasnât it? (B+)
The Wachowskisâ The Matrix Reloaded (2003): Iâm going to say it: i
enjoyed it more than the first one! Is it a better film? I donât know about that. But
it takes itself so seriously while being so unabashedly goofy that i canât help but fall in love
with it. Where else can you find PS2 Keanu fighting hundreds of Hugo
Weavings in the same film as a monologue about the meaning of free will? (A-)
The Wachowskisâ The Matrix Revolutions (2003): This one, on the other
hand, did the worst thing a film can do. It bored me â which youâd think wouldnât be possible
given its massive scale. (D+)
Lana Wachowskiâs The Matrix Resurrections (2021): Finally, the film i
binge-watched the other three to see. I appreciate what it was trying to do, and some of the
worldbuilding was fascinating, but as much as i want to like it, it just falls flat on its face
everywhere else. Hugo Weavingâs tech-bro replacement is a poor fit for the job. The action is
just plain awful, and the dialogue isnât much better (Lana, please log off).
The best part about it was the cut-ins from the original film. Sorry, Ms Wachowski, but i think
iâll be taking the blue pill. (C-)
Jason Reitmanâs Ghostbusters: Afterlife (2021): Itâs a cynical
cash-grab any way you slice it, sure. Itâs less of a sequel to the original film and more a
sequel to a parallel, schmaltzier Spielbergian version of it which never existed. Thereâs a
character called âPodcast.â But⌠i enjoyed it! It recaptures the spark of those classic eighties
kidsâ films â The Goonies, E.T., &c. â in a way thatâs been
sorely missing for the last decade. (B)
Spoilers
Not sure how i feel about the ethics of CGI Harold Ramis,
mindâŚ
Things which are not films
đş Adult Swimâs Smiling Friends (2021): I have no idea what this
absolutely deranged cartoon is, but i would like three more seasons and a movie greenlit
immediately, thank you very much. (A)
đş The BBCâs
Around the World in 80 Days (2021): Just not my thing, iâm afraid. (E)
đŽ Josh Wardleâs Wordle (2021): A nice way to unpick my brain at the
start of the day. (C+)
đ Mary Roachâs Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers (2003): I
was very much enjoying my copy, which i had received as a Christmas gift, until i misplaced itâŚ
somewhere? It is, one presumes, now in the same dimension where all the socks and pens
go.
đż Talking Headsâ Speaking in Tongues (1983): Picked this classic up
at Beatdown. âThis Must Be the Place (NaĂŻve Melody)â
may just be the greatest song ever written. (A)
đď¸ GĂŚaâs Ouseburn (4.5 billion
BCE), with assistance from Lord Armstrong and T. Dan Smith: The
finest place for a walk in Newcastle, if i do say so myself. Iâve been working on a post for
ages about all the nuances of it, but, alas, the heavy writerâs block sits unmoving on my
keyboard. (A+)
Other recent minutiĂŚ
Your authorâs pinky finger was recently intimately acquainted with the inside of an antiseptic
wipe dispenser, and she had to go to A&E to get it
fixed.i Not my proudest moment.
Home-made flatbread. Need i say more?
Gods bless whoeverâs been sticking up all those anti-anti-vax stickers. Theyâre
fighting the good fight! âItâs not Covid-1984.â
I donât mean to be a cynic, but something about the concept of a âzero-waste shopâ does strike
me as a little oxymoronic⌠and if not that, then at least a bad business model.
Newbiggin-by-the-Sea: itâs okayâ˘!
One of the more surprising results of the recent investigation into Big Borisâs lockdown conduct was
the unearthing of a playlist used to motivate employees during their completely ordinary work
events. Highlights include:
Miley Cyrus - Regular Work Event in the U.S.A.,
Vengaboys - We Like to Engage in Normal Work Proceedings,
Cyndi Lauper - Girls Just Want to Become Civil Servants,
Arctic Monkeys - I Bet You Look Productive in the Office,
Avicii - Waiting For The Results Of The Independent Investigation And Report Conducted By Sue
Gray,
Walk the Moon - Dance then Shut Up, and, of course,
Shaggy - It Wasnât Me
This list of songs, no doubt, absolves the government of any kind of wrongdoing.
Just a month or so after Arwen, another storm has decided to come over here and mess things up â
this time Storm Malik (no relation to Rami or
Terrence). Ripped-up power poles, blustering winds, uprooted trees⌠but this mog seems fine with it.
Spurred on by a brief shower thought, iâve tried my hand at making
a playlist âfor the bad daysâ: songs (mostly rock) with big, soaring crescendos that feel like an out-of-body experience. Your
âBitter Sweet Symphoniesâ, your âHoppĂpollasâ, your ââHeroesâ-esâ â the songs that make you have
faith in humanity, and make you not want to jump out of a thirtieth-storey window so badly.
Iâve been asking around for suggestions on the usual (Discord) channels, and have got some cracking
songs in return â so, do any of you want to try your hands at it? Iâd love to hear your ideas. :-)
Hereâs the current set of songs on the playlist, to give you an idea of the general âvibesâ â
exceptional examples are highlighted in bold.
The 1975, âI Always Wanna Die (Sometimes)â
Bleachers, âRollercoasterâ
Arcade Fire, âMy Body Is a Cageâ (thx, Pike)
David Bowie, ââHeroesââ
Kate Bush, âCloudbustingâ
Coldplay, âViva La Vidaâ
Daft Punk, âGiorgio by Moroderâ
Elbow, âOne Day Like Thisâ
Sam Fender, âThe Dying Lightâ
Fun; âSome Nightsâ
Keane, âSomewhere Only We Knowâ
LCD Soundsystem, âDance Yrself Cleanâ
The Naked and Famous, âHigherâ
Oasis, âDonât Look Back in Angerâ
Oasis, âChampagne Supernovaâ
Radiohead, âAll I Needâ
Radiohead, âVideotapeâ (live at Bonnaroo)
Porter Robinson, âUnfoldâ
Sigur RĂłs, âHoppĂpollaâ
Snow Patrol, âChasing Carsâ
Suede, âLife is Goldenâ (thx, Pike)
Tame Impala, âLet It Happenâ
The Verve, âBitter Sweet Symphonyâ
The War on Drugs, âI Donât Live Here Anymoreâ
I saw an awful transphobic sticker on my daily constitutional the other day. I shanât bother
repeating the exact contents, because the sad sack who made it really doesnât need more exposure,
but it was just the usual âbiological wombyn wonât wheesht!!!â crap. Yi kna the type.
At first it got me down, as it probably would any sane person. But then i thought â Whoever made
that sticker, their bigoted views are now so unpopular, so marginalised, that theyâve had to resort
to plastering stickers everywhere: the last resort of covid-conspiracy cranks, climate ostriches,
football hooligans, and a number of others whose views are utterly unacceptable in polite company.
We might not be there yet as far as the law is concerned â lord knows people still have to jump
through an ungodly number of hoops just to change a letter on their passport â but socially, itâs a
good sign that the Inexorable March of Progress⢠is continuing as planned.
Itâs a meta one, this; you can safely ignore this post if youâre just here for the trudges through
increasingly-obscure north-eastern locations and hauls of links to websites which arenât this one.
That being said, sidenotesi are now back and functioning again! My apologies
for the delay.
Your regularly scheduled programming will be resuming soon, with a walk down a stream which turns
into an unexpected microcosm of local history. Iâm sure all the Americans in my audience are
thrilled.